7178 A.S.: bon on avoue, pour une fois on n'a pas lu la confess avant de la poster.

"Hello, my french is to bad so I don't know If I can say this in english. But I just need to write it down. This year was really hard for me. It all started in august when my grand father passed away. He died in his sleep, he didn't feel any pain. He lived with my grand mother, who at that time suffered from dementia. So she didn't completely understand that her husband passed away. We didn't immediately found a home in a nursing hom for her so she needed to go to the hospital. After the funeral of my grandfather we did find a nursing home for her. The funeral of my grandfather was horrible, I have two half sisters who didn't bother to show up. This broke my fathers heart, It was the first time I saw my father cry. I love my family but we never really show our emotions, so I sort of had to deal with this grief on my own. It was september so school started again, I m not the most brilliant student. So things didn't go well there either. Every weekend when I returned home I went to visit my grandmother in her nursing home. In the beginning she still could eat and speak and once in a while laugh. My father went every day, I can't imagine what this did to him. But after a few months she couldn't speak anymore, she asked every 5 minutes where aunt Emma was. To which we replied: "aunt emma died 21 years ago" She got very angry, because she thought she didn't got an invite to the funeral. We explained to her that she did got an invite, and that she did go. But that she had forgotten, "you have two problems, you forget a lot and you have difficulties walking". In the end I needed to feed her, and tell her to swallow. She died the 22 of decembre. When I got to news, I was with a roommate. He comforted me and I slept in his arms that night. The 24 of décembre I was going to see my other grand mother it was christmas eve, she walked in. I hugged her and said that now she is the only grand parent I have left. "No need to worry the doctor said I'm on his list to become 100 years :)!" She said it with the typical grand mother smile, the one that makes you instantly happy. And gives you the warm feeling inside. Unfortunately a few hours later she suffered a thrombose. The next month was horrible, I had to see another person I love go away from me. Step by step. The last time I saw her, was the day of the anointing. It was the first time I saw my grandmother cry. She died the 27 of januari. The couple months after dad were a bit better, before easter my brother got the diagnosis of MS. Luckily this was a misdiagnosis and he is probably fine. Though all this I got a lot of comfort from a roommate, I still laughed with him. We hugged a lot, sometimes for nights long. We got drunk, and we slept together. I admitted I had feelings for him, he said he just saw me as a friend. After I got angry, we decided to stay friends. Even though we pretend we are, we're not. I have nobody here who I can confide in. Nobody who holds me at night when I cry. Nobody who assures me that I will succeed for my exams. So when I feel lonely I grab a knife, and I start scratching myself. Not very bad. Just enough to feel relieved, because it's the only way I can still feel better. No one knows about this, so I don't do this to get attention. But every time I think about what happened I feel so much pain, physical pain om my chest. And there's nobody there to console me, but me. And I hate him for it, because I just know that if we were still friends, I wouldn't be doing this to myself.